The Motel
From 1984 through 1987, I lived with a wonderful woman in Virginia Beach, named Paula. Since her parents lived in Idaho, each summer we would take three weeks off work and head out across the country to visit them.
The only rule was that we would spend the entire second week at her parent’s place. The week going and the week coming back were up for grabs. And boy, did we have adventures!
Sometimes we’d take a southern route going and a northern route coming back. Sometimes, vice versa. Once we drove 200 miles out of our way to eat barbecued ribs in Tombstone Arizona. Another time, we boarded the dogs in a kennel, (we always took our dogs), for the day in El Paso so we could cross the Mexican border and shop in Juarez.
We never made any really firm plans for things to see and do, we would start out with a general idea, but things could change on a spur of a moment whim.
We usually took in new sites each year, but if something was really impressive, say for instance, Yellowstone National Park, we might go there again the following year.
Each year was different, but one thing stayed the same. The Tailgate lunches.
To save money on eating at restaurants every day, we kept a cooler packed full of goodies. The top tray held the lunch meats, cheeses and whatever other foods you wanted to stay cool, while below, the pickles, olives, mustard and such, floated in a pool of icy water and half melted ice. The soft drinks from that pool were so cold they would make your teeth ache and bring tears to your eyes. Wonderful stuff!
After our paper plates were loaded down, and the cooler was returned to its place, we would sit cross legged on the tailgate, enjoying the outdoors, and each other while we discussed things we’d seen and things we were headed to see.
I remember one of those ‘things we’d seen’ discussions distinctly.
“That Motel last night was really the pits!” Paula said. She took a big bite of her turkey sandwich and her eyes rolled skyward.
God, I loved watching that woman eat. She enjoyed her food like no one I had ever seen before, or since. Now there’s someone who liked my cooking! (An admirable trait).
I giggled. She was right. It had been one of the sleaziest places I had ever visited. And believe me, I’ve been to many a strange, sleazy place.
I should have been suspicious from the moment I read the room rates on the sign, but instead of raising my eyebrow, the low rate is what pulled me in. It was half of what most rooms normally went for, but the place looked fine on the outside and I was dead beat, so I parked the truck and we went in to register.
I should have been tipped off once again, when the cashier cast an odd look at us and made a comment about how she hadn’t seen us there before, and then asked if this was our ‘first time’. I gave a tired nod and took the key she offered.
As we walked through the courtyard toward our room, I asked Paula what she thought the cashier had meant, but she just shrugged. She was more interested in the fenced-in pet area, right outside of our room, where our dogs could do their business and get a little exercise off the leash. She always fretted over and pampered the animals. (Another admirable trait).
What finally cleared it up for me was the TV.
As soon as we walked into the room, Paula headed to the bathroom. I plopped down on the foot of the bed and clicked the TV on for some background sound. And boy, did I get sound!
Moaning and groaning, and some major X rated action. Men and women doing all kinds of stuff I won’t mention. I flipped the channel but there were only two other stations. Both with the same sounds, just different people.
Wow. Is this all that Arizona watches? I thought. No ‘I Love Lucy’ or ‘Andy Griffith’, late night reruns?
“You gotta see this.” I said loud enough so my voice would carry to the bathroom.
The toilet flushed and here comes Paula. Paula who has never slept with a man and has no desire in that direction. Paula, the woman’s woman.
I giggled and watched her face, knowing what was coming.
She stopped short, her eyes glued on the TV. A look of horrendous disgust crossed her face and her mouth fell open. I figured she was pretty near to puking. For real.
My giggling turned to laughter. I collapsed back on the bed and howled.
“Turn that off!” She demanded.
I laughed harder. Tears rolled down my face.
She grabbed for the remote. I slipped it underneath me.
She pounced on me and wrestled me for it. She finally pinned my arm, and took the remote by force.
Triumphant, she aimed it at the TV like a gun, and FIRED. The screen went black.
“There. That’s better.” She said as she walked over and put the remote on the window ledge, a good way from my reach. “I should have known this place was weird, there aren’t any towels in the bathroom.”
“I guess they don’t expect people to stay all night.” I said. “And considering most men I’ve heard about, I bet they turn this room over, twice an hour.” I broke into fresh giggles.”
She cut me a dark look. “Maybe we should just get our money back and go to another motel.”
“No way!” I said, and the smile fell from my face. “I just drove for 14 hours and if I have to drive one more second, I’m going to die.”
Paula looked unsure.
“You can sleep in the truck if you want.” I said. “But, I’m beat. I’m going to bed.”
I stood up and jerked the bedcover down to make my point. And, I had full intention of jumping into that bed, covering up and passing out. But, where my fresh white sheets should have been, were some sad looking, dingy, wrinkled things and it crossed my mind that they might not change sheets between customers.
We both stared at those sheets.
“I’m not sleeping on THAT!” She said jabbing her finger at the bed. “God knows what’s on that sheet!”
She had me there. This time I didn’t argue. I pulled the bedcover back up.
She had won.
“So what do we do now?” I asked, deflated.
Paula marched out the door and came back a few minutes later with our sleeping bags and blankets in tow. We made a makeshift bed on the floor and fell into it. Then she coaxed the dogs into settling down next to us. She wouldn’t let them up on the bed either.
I had just about fallen asleep, when I heard the moaning again. My eyes flew open and found the TV. The screen was still black.
Realization flooded over me. The sound wasn’t coming from the TV, it was coming from the room next to ours. I cast a glance at Paula and in the light that filtered through the thin curtain from the flashing, neon vacancy sign, I could see her mouth was set in a tight line.
I giggled.
“Its not funny!” She snapped.
I broke out laughing.
Bone Digger
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In truth, immediately i didn’t understand the essence. But after re-reading all at once became clear.